Parenting over
Punishment
It seems
like a simple concept to not punish but rather parent but it is sometimes difficult to put into place unless we practice
techniques and learn how to not react.
The first
step is to look at negative behavior in a different way. After we have asked our children five times
to complete a task and then still haven’t done so we get frustrated and use our
mature adult parent mind and think, “ why can’t my child just do this…I have
asked five times already?” Are they
doing this to make me mad?
Here are
some quick tips to keep in mind when frustration sets in.
1.
Child won’t clean up toys or do
chores.
Parent: "When will I be able to relax until
all of this stuff is put away so I can relax and cook dinner?"
Child: "I want to get out more stuff because
I am bored with what is here and maybe go play a video game or see what my
friends are doing. Wait…I want to make a
fort with all the stuff I have out now."
Solution: Think like a child. Children’s brains
are not fully developed to think like an adult. The more you come to their level, the more you
will establish trust and cooperation with them.
Make it into a game. My daughter and I once
pretended we were in a forest and we had to put all the rainbow loads of
laundry away before it got dark and the rainbow would disappear. The laundry detergent was the magic power to
make the rainbow have protective powers to stop the darkness. My daughter was
so engaged she wondered if it was safe to back in the forest to do laundry
again. I assured her there always will
be rainbows, (loads of laundry).
2.
Child is bored
Parent: “I wish I could say I was bored. I am so busy I can hardly breathe.”
Child: “They won’t let me watch tv or play
games or go on the computer. My parents
are so mean and I am bored.”
Solution: Children need to be engaged.
Pull out a board game or Yatzee which young kids can play by shaking the
dice. Art projects are always engaging. Make a fort or an obstacle course in
your home.
Involve your child in everything you do including getting the
mail or picking items off the shelves when shopping. It gives them a sense of purpose and a job to
do. Give them an incentive with an allowance so they understand the value of
work. Kids do not always have to be
engaged with you directly. This is not a reason to hand them an electronic
device and walk away, but they certainly can build and create a lot without
parents having to be one on one at all times.
If children are
engaged they will not be bored. Again
you can use some creativity and a childlike mentality to motivate them. Getting the mail can be going to outer space
to get the special delivery from the space shuttle!
3.
Child is very upset or crying
Parent: “Oh no, my child fell down and is probably going to cry really loud. I have
to make sure that my child does not create a scene, that I am a perfect
parent. People are going to think I did
something tragically wrong. I just want
my child to be happy.”
Child: “I just got hurt and my first instinct
is to cry out for Mom or Dad because that is what I have done since I was born and that is all I know how to do. It doesn’t hurt that bad but if they come to
me and hug me and kiss my hurt I know things will be better. I just need to be comforted.”
My first recommendation is to not react when your child gets
hurt. Don’t show a face of panic. You
know the dropped jaw parent that can’t keep it together when their child is
hurt. Be calm and cool like an EMT would
be in rescuing someone. Emergency
workers don’t show up saying oh my gosh what am I go to do in panic, they show
up and start doing what needs to be done on mission to save lives.
Put on that face and go to your child. Make sure you acknowledge even the tiniest
scrape or even no scrape and assure them they will be ok. Avoid saying oh it’s
nothing. To the child it is a very
intense experience—remember they don’t have 30 or 40 years or experience
getting hurt like adults do. Everything
to children is a very new experience.
Or
Child: “I am not getting my way. All I wanted was that treat in the aisle at
the grocery store and my parents won’t let me.
I am going to throw a fit until they give in and just get it for me.”
Time to wheel and deal.
Yes it sounds like being a used car salesperson but you have to set
boundaries for your kids.
“How much is that candy bar?”
“It is $1.50”.
“How many loads of laundry would it take to pay for that
candy bar?”
First you are
distracting them from the whole idea of the candy bar, creating an opportunity
to do with math, and seeing if that value is worth it to the child.
You can’t do this with younger kids who do not receive
allowances but you can make it into a teaching opportunity.
Another idea that works is replacement. Well if we get the candy bar today we can’t
have ice cream Sundaes for dinner. Would
you rather not have ice cream Sundaes for dinner?
Or
Child: "I am not self-aware that I am over
hungry or tired and that affects my ability to make good choices or that my
behavior could affect others."
This is a tricky one.
This is when kids’ physiological needs are not being met. If the child
is either hungry, thirsty, tired or all of those, there is no other cure that
meeting those needs.
Start with water. Kids
don’t spend all day drinking water like adults do. They are likely not hydrated which is a lack
of O2 in the body.
Bring them to a
different place. Sometimes changing the
environment changes the mood. This can
be done in other situations when kids are upset as well. Ask your child, what is your body telling
you?
Parenting over
Punishment key items to remember
Think like a child and remember children do not have all the
experiences that adults have already experienced many times in life.
Be creative and get to your child’s level. Have patience and keep your cool in heated
times.
If you sound like your parents or how an adult talked to you
when you were younger, in a scolding tone, you need to rethink your technique in
terms of parenting rather than punishment.
Julie Gahona
These are some resources from courses I have taken or resources that I
use for information and recommend for more knowledge on parenting:
Positive Parenting
Focus on the Family
Love and Logic
STEAM courses
