source: http://expatfamilyresiliencecoach.com/6-stages-attachment-unbreakable-connection-kids/
Here are some ways you can build attachment, based on these stages:
– Invite your child to do something with you – Any
way in which you invite your child into your presence sends the message
that you want to be close and connected – cuddle, read a book, play a
game, build lego, prepare a meal or bake together, play badminton or go
for a walk together, enjoy made up stories or a joke telling session.
– Let them see your delight in them.
Smile at them. When they come into the room, let them see your face
light up without a reminder or request. Look happy. Nod ‘yes’. Mouth the
words “I love you” or a special phrase between the two of you. Make eye
contact as you think “I adore you. You are so special.” At times of
tension do these little things often and they will feel a difference.
– Be close while your child is busy
– if your child doesn’t want to do something with you or is resisting
connection, move close to them. Make sure it’s a distance they can
handle. Watch them play, participate in sports or after school
activities, be present when they’re doing homework. This can be
encouraging for them. You don’t have to hover, or say anything. If
connection isn’t happening on a deeper level, being there often opens
your teen (Sit in the same room as they play video games or do homework
or play on their computers). 15 minutes a day can make a difference.
– Invite your child/teen to depend on you.
This concept is poorly understood in our societies. Building
independence is to be taught at all cost. We think we’ll spoil our
child/teen by doing things for them. Gordon Neufeld says “to spoil meat
is to leave it out of its proper environment, the refrigerator;
likewise, we spoil kids by taking them out of their safe environment,
ie, proximity with their parents”. How can you invite your children to
be dependent on you? I occasionally make lunch for my teen, even when he
usually does it himself; or get her breakfast ready when she can do it.
Give money for a special outing with friends. Make an unmade bed, pick
up toys…
– Connect before you direct –
If you want your child to do something, connect first. Find out how
their day went, what’s happening in their lives that’s important, what
feelings they have, or what they are struggling with. Nothing is so
urgent request that it has to be done before connecting and they will be
much more ready to be directed once they have felt the connection.
– Decide for your child –
In those times when stress and chaos reign in your kids life, you can
use phrases like, “I’m taking care of this” or “I’ll figure this out” or
“Let me think about it” if you’re not sure what to do. Then take care
of it. Or later take time to brainstorm with your child, so it becomes a
shared responsibility. This is particularly helpful when you notice
frustration and challenges building, or during transition and change.
It’s not a forced thing, yet a reliever of responsibility at a time when
it’s needed.
– Be on their side –If
they’re having challenges with friends or school, or have big or hard
feelings around other areas of their lives, let them know you’re there
to help them through rather than 
blaming,
shaming or judging. When they start to share their truths, listen
without interrupting. Show them you hear what they have to say. Let them
know that nothing will ever happen to break the connection between you.
blaming,
shaming or judging. When they start to share their truths, listen
without interrupting. Show them you hear what they have to say. Let them
know that nothing will ever happen to break the connection between you.
– Eat meals together often.
This ritual is so much more about connection than food. Make meal time
fun and happy. Stay away from heavy discussion, correction, and
discipline. Connect by listening to what’s happened in each others day.
As they get older, ask what their thoughts and feelings are around
events that have happened nearby or in the world. Ask what they would do
in a situation you’re facing. Reminisce together. Ask what the ‘high’
and ‘low’ is of each other’s day.
