Parent Connection

Great parenting article.  I cut just a portion of the article that I found very simple and  valuable.  If you are a parent please read this.

source: http://expatfamilyresiliencecoach.com/6-stages-attachment-unbreakable-connection-kids/


Here are some ways you can build attachment, based on these stages:

– Invite your child to do something with you – Any way in which you invite your child into your presence sends the message that you want to be close and connected – cuddle, read a book, play a game, build lego, prepare a meal or bake together, play badminton or go for a walk together, enjoy made up stories or a joke telling session.

– Let them see your delight in them. Smile at them. When they come into the room, let them see your face light up without a reminder or request. Look happy. Nod ‘yes’. Mouth the words “I love you” or a special phrase between the two of you. Make eye contact as you think “I adore you. You are so special.” At times of tension do these little things often and they will feel a difference.

– Be close while your child is busy – if your child doesn’t want to do something with you or is resisting connection, move close to them. Make sure it’s a distance they can handle.  Watch them play, participate in sports or after school activities, be present when they’re doing homework. This can be encouraging for them. You don’t have to hover, or say anything. If connection isn’t happening on a deeper level, being there often opens your teen (Sit in the same room as they play video games or do homework or play on their computers). 15 minutes a day can make a difference.

– Invite your child/teen to depend on you. This concept is poorly understood in our societies. Building independence is to be taught at all cost. We think we’ll spoil our child/teen by doing things for them. Gordon Neufeld says “to spoil meat is to leave it out of its proper environment, the refrigerator; likewise, we spoil kids by taking them out of their safe environment, ie, proximity with their parents”.  How can you invite your children to be dependent on you? I occasionally make lunch for my teen, even when he usually does it himself; or get her breakfast ready when she can do it. Give money for a special outing with friends. Make an unmade bed, pick up toys…

– Connect before you direct – If you want your child to do something, connect first. Find out how their day went, what’s happening in their lives that’s important, what feelings they have, or what they are struggling with. Nothing is so urgent request that it has to be done before connecting and they will be much more ready to be directed once they have felt the connection.

– Decide for your child – In those times when stress and chaos reign in your kids life, you can use phrases like, “I’m taking care of this” or “I’ll figure this out” or “Let me think about it” if you’re not sure what to do. Then take care of it. Or later take time to brainstorm with your child, so it becomes a shared responsibility. This is particularly helpful when you notice frustration and challenges building, or during transition and change.  It’s not a forced thing, yet a reliever of responsibility at a time when it’s needed.

– Be on their side –If they’re having challenges with friends or school, or have big or hard feelings around other areas of their lives, let them know you’re there to help them through rather than blaming, shaming or judging. When they start to share their truths, listen without interrupting. Show them you hear what they have to say. Let them know that nothing will ever happen to break the connection between you.

– Eat meals together often. This ritual is so much more about connection than food. Make meal time fun and happy. Stay away from heavy discussion, correction, and discipline. Connect by listening to what’s happened in each others day. As they get older, ask what their thoughts and feelings are around events that have happened nearby or in the world. Ask what they would do in a situation you’re facing. Reminisce together. Ask what the ‘high’ and ‘low’ is of each other’s day.